This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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