i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
