The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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