He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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