I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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