The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Randomize
