ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
