I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
don't judge my taste in strippers
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
