I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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