In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
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Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
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Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
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