She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Dignity is for republicans.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
