did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
