What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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