i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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