So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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