Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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