Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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