It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
