and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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