some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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