I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
