If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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