You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
