At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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