my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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