Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
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Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
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He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
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