Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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