I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
We are two peas in an std pod
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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