Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
