i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
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