Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
