great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
