haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
