so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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