oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
