I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
