my vag is so smooth its legendary
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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