Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
