what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
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