homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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