I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
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