tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
