I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Randomize
