Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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