We're like a lot better than the average bears
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
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