i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
