You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
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It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
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I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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