I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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