My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
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