We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Randomize
