Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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