I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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