i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
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I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
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He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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