false alarm. still invincible.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
