I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
