Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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