You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I just forgot I was standing up.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
