The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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